Meeting the elephant

My friend, Rebecca, is a working mom to two boys roughly the same ages as my older two. She is a manager-type person at the corporate headquarters of a restaurant chain, which adds a lot of responsibility to her demands as mom and wife. I respect her a lot and have since she was my manager in a life before children. She's one of my few mom friends who work a full-time job.

Every morning, she gets herself ready (including perfect hair and make-up) and gets the two kids dressed and off to daycare. This is probably no feat to the millions of women who do this every day, but it is to me. Heck, if I have to be dressed in more than gym clothes at the same time that I have to get my kids off to preschool, I can barely make it in time. But this is one of the topics that we don't discuss.

When Rebecca and I have lunch together, we're joined by an elephant--the stereotypes that we face as moms on either side of the working divide. I find myself compensating for the stereotype of a stay-at-home mom as a lazy woman spending most of the day on the couch or cruizing around the mall with her tots to spend her husband's money, so I make a big deal of listing all the things that I'm doing--the book I'm writing, the contract work that I pick up occasionally, the volunteer work that seems to fill the rest of the time. Really, I do feel busier than I ever was when I was working full-time, but mostly, I don't want Rebecca to think that I left a promising career track to watch soaps all day.

On the other side, Rebecca seems sensitive to any nuance that her choice to continue working was the wrong one. Occasionally, I'll ask if she considers staying at home with her kids. Not because of a value judgement of the decision she made, but because my schedule is better suited for outings with other stay-at-home moms than with working ones. Selfishly, I want to be able to see her more than our current schedules allow. Even though we've never talked about it, I can imagine that she feels the sting of the working mom stereotype--the selfish woman who puts her career ahead of her children--though I never think of her like that (or any other working mom). Sometimes, her responses are meant to defend herself against this stereotype, just as mine are an effort to protect against the other.

Each mother's choice is personal and difficult. Staying at home was right for me, but I miss the validation I got from working. Rebecca's choice to stay working was right for her, and her career is blooming because of it, but she has less time at home. By mere definition of "choice", it is impossible to truly have it all. We are all trying to find the right fit for our families. We should show compassion for each other instead of battling over who is making the right choice. If Rebecca and I are any example, then the battle is more defensive than offensive. Let's all stop defending ourselves against silly stereotypes, accept our best choices and let others accept theirs.